Otters, Poits and Eaters of Ed

In the Land of Lit, once there was nothingness. Nothingness begat a ton of water and things stayed wet and watery for a while. Quite some time passed before the water gave birth to something called “life” which was this teensy weensy little speck. Life was horny like hell. Soon there were more. They grew bigger and called themselves “pishies”.

 

After sometime the “pishies” got tired of the water and some of them came out to the land to make out. Some “pishies” liked it so much they never went back to the water and rolled in the mud everyday. They were called “riptyles”. The “riptyles” got bigger and some of them felt cold. They grew “phithers” and huge big freakin’ tits. They were called the “momals” in the great ancient tongue of pishi-riptyles which roughly meant “Nice Hooters”.

 

The “riptyles” loved the taste of a nice hooter or two and soon they started eating the “momals”. They were just so damn tasty and there were so many of them. Some “momals” apart from the nice rack had better “phithers” and could fly. They were called the “byrds”, some just licked their genitalia day in and day out and were called “kyats”. Yet another group of “momals”, saw the “kyats” licking their balls and thought there must be some significance to it and started licking their own. They were called “dawgs”. Some of them sought refuge in the trees and swung till their scrotums extended and hands became as long as … well became very long. They were called the “primatas”. Some “primatas” (ones with the nicer boobs anyway) came back down on the ground and shed all their “phithers”. They still kept some of the “phithers” on their faces and in their armpits along with several other places, but mostly the lack of “phithers” somehow allowed them to “talk”. They were called the “talkies”, but they preferred the term “oomans” (this term seems to have ambiguous etymology. Experts argue that it could either mean “born of an egg” or “great rack”)

 

Anyhoo, the “riptyles” viewed the infinite variety of the “momals” as an endless buffet line. The “momals” being slightly more intelligent and being more endowed with what they referred to as “cool” (which initially meant “Nice Nice Hooters” but the meaning kinda got lost down the way.), discovered this concept called “God” (which has meant different things through out “momalian” history but mostly variants of “The Great and Almighty Boob that sees everything and jiggles crazily when it does” and “Holy Celestial Cleavage”). They prayed to the “God” thingie to deliver them from the “riptyles” and he sent a biggest darn rock with fire and brimstone to take care of the bigger “riptyles”. (That is the only incident on record in the whole of history, which remotely points to the existence of the “God” thingie).

 

With the “riptyles” out of the way, the “momals” especially the “oomans” flourished. They made out like crazy and admired each others hooters and finally decided that it was time for something called “cyvalizishon”. Soon as they were “cyvalized”, it was decreed that naked breasts were not cool any more and they started wearing clothes. Some even thought the discovery of the apple had something to do with it. Now some of the overzealous “oomans” who felt left out of the initial bare breasted part of history, decided to create their own fantasy world in which there were boobs galore. They secretly indulged in something they called the “wry-thingie”. By an evolutionary coincidence they were all called “Ed”. They even invented their own “God” like thingie called “Ott”. So other people called them those gosh-darned “Otters”. Now some “Otters” did not like to be associated with others, so they renamed “Ott” to “Poi” and preferred to be called “Poits”. They called their version of the “wry-thingie” as “Poims”. Now do not get this wrong, some “Otters” were “Poits” and some “Poits” were “Otters” too. They had a lot in common. They all did their version of the “wry-thingie” and they were still all called “Ed”. But they preferred their own labels.

 

There were other people who liked to “read” whatever “wry-thingie” the “Otters” or the “Poits” produced. By this time the hallowed ancient phisie-riptyllian tongue had run out of words and synonyms of “Nice Boob” and its variants (most things had already been named by then). So these people who “read” were called “readers”. Now as the “readers” “read” the “wry-thingie”, they too started enjoying the long gone days of bare breasted glory. The “oomans” who ran things got worried. As people spent their time thinking about boobs, no work ever got done in Lit.

 

So they created a race of monsters. Now these monsters were big and scary and had horrible teeth. They were asked to defile and devour anyone named “Ed”. They were called the “Ed-eaters”. (See earlier reference as to the ancient tongue running out of words).

 

For a time, “wry-thingie” suffered a great setback as the “Ed-eaters” frequently ate any one named “Ed” who came in their way. Soon there were not many “Otters” or “Poits” left, so one of the “Otters” a guy named Ed of course, called a council with the “Ed-eaters”.

 

They talked long and hard for many hours. Finally Ed convinced the “Ed-Eaters” to form a system. “Ed-eaters” would stop their wanton carnage and in return the “Otters” would send them a letter explaining whatever “wry-thingie” they had done. This was called a “query” and the since all Otters were called “Ed” they would send a Self Addressed Stamped Envelope with their full name and address, so that the “Ed-Eaters” would not have any trouble finding them. The “Ed-eaters” would then view the “Wry-thingie” and only come back and eat the Ed who sent the query if it was very very bad.

 

Later another layer was introduced in this system as there were just too many “Otters” sending “queries” to the “Ed-eaters”. Some “Ed-eaters” could not eat Eds that well. So the others told them to sort of screen prospective “Eds” before one could reach the “Ed-eater”. These guys were called “Agents” (they ran out of words so they made this one up). The “Otters” would first query the “Agents” before they could reach a bonafide “Ed-Eater”. The “agents” got some entrails and other knick knacks when the “Ed-Eater” finally ate an “Ed”.

 

So till this day in the Land of Lit, the holy system of “Query” Letters and Self Addressed Stamped Envelopes has forever ensured that the halls of “Wry-Thingie” keep on echoing with tales of bare breasts and glorious cleavage while keeping the “Ed-Eaters” not hungry. The system works and everyone is happy. (Well almost every one. The “Poits” still prefer to do things their own way. They do not count as most of them get eaten alive by the “Ed-Eaters” anyways.)

 

THE END